Loss-Thursday, August 30th

My blog has been silent for almost two weeks because I have been dreading writing this post.  I hate skipping over events (even if they are hard) and I even more hate going out of chronological order.  So even though I still don't know how to blog about this horrible loss I have to attempt so I can move forward with the other blog posts that I WANT to post.

Jesus Calling-August 30

THERE IS NO PLACE so desolate that you cannot find Me there.  When Hagar fled from her mistress, Sarah, into the wilderness, she thought she was utterly alone and forsaken.  But Hagar encountered Me in that desolate place.  There she addressed Me as the Living One who see me. Through that encounter with My Presence, she gained courage to return to her mistress.

No set of circumstanced could ever isolate you from My loving Presence.  Not only do I see you always; I see you as a redeemed saint, gloriously radiant in My righteousness. That is why I take great delight in you and rejoice over you with singing!

Genesis 16:7-14; Psalms 139:7-10; Zephaniah 3:17

On Thursday morning, August 30, around 6am I got a text from the birth mom's sister saying she was in labor at the hospital.  She said she had just got an epidural.  I also talked to our case worker and she had heard the same news.  I started to call a few family members to let them know the latest news.

Around 7am I got a phone call from the birth mom's sister saying that the baby was born...6lbs 4oz.  Again I tried to call a few family members to let them know the news.    

Travis was looking for flights.  We were thinking of waiting to book a flight until after she had signed her rights over.

At 8am I had a doctors appointment.  Nonna came to our house to be with Isaiah (who was still sleeping).

Around 9am I talked to our case worker again about going now or waiting until she signed to book flights.  She was now thinking maybe going sooner than later could be good.

We started looking more seriously for flights.  There was no way we would be able to manage to fly out the same day, so we were looking at a flight on Friday afternoon that would arrive late Friday evening in time for us to be in Florida on Saturday when the baby would most likely be discharged.

Nonna, Isaiah, and I had previous plans to meet my sister and her boys at Imagine Play.  We decided to keep our plans as things were still in flux.  Nonna drove us there so on the way I made a few more phone calls to family to let them know our exciting news.

Travis found tickets through Southwest Airlines online.  We were thinking we were going to Florida and we didn't want to lose the good price, so he bought them.

Around 10am our case worker called again saying she hadn't gotten to talk to the birth mom, and to wait to do anything until we heard from her again.

Around 11am our world came crashing down as our case worker called to say that the birth mom and her family decided to keep the baby.  When I heard this news I instantly was in tears, which meant not in the best state to talk.  I called Travis and told him, but still couldn't talk due to tears so I said we could talk later.

Isaiah was near me when I got the news so I made him give Mommy many hugs, but he wasn't so sure about Mommy crying so much.  He had a very worried face. Nonna, Elise, and her boys were in the chalk room of Imagine Play... Elise noticed I was crying as I walked over and jumped up to give me hugs.  I didn't have to say much...they just knew.  Campbell was so sweet and kept saying, "Kalina sometimes I am sad too" and then would give me pats.  I couldn't handle calling family to let them know so I sent several texts and then we left Imagine Play and headed to Elise's house to eat some lunch.

This was Travis' Facebook post:  Talk about a day full of emotions. We just received word that the birth mom has changed her mind. So we are not going to be heading to Florida tomorrow. Please be praying for us as we go through the grieving process. Quite frankly not entirely sure what we are supposed to be 'learning' through this........but I do know I'm tired of waiting and don't really want to talk about it with anyone...

And so began our many days and weeks of grieving.  I don't think that I can even express what another loss of a possible child for our family (a third child) even looks or feels like...it is just horrible.

That afternoon I took every baby item we had downstairs to help Isaiah prepare for a new baby brother and put it upstairs in the extra bedroom and shut the door(The bedroom door is still closed).  I took every baby clothing/toy item we had bought in preparation (all of which still had tags on) and found receipts and got them ready to return (all items except one have successfully been returned).

Jesus Calling -August 31

GROW STRONG IN YOUR WEAKNESS. Some of My children I've gifted with abundant strength and stamina.  Others, like you, have received the humble gift of frailty.  Your fragility is not a punishment, nor does it indicate lack of faith.  On the contrary, weak ones like you must live by faith, depending on Me to get through the day.  I am developing your ability to trust Me, to lean on Me, rather than on your understanding.  Your natural preference is to plan out your day, knowing what will happen when. My preference is for you to depend on Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed.  This is how you grow strong in your weakness.

James 4:13-15; Proverbs 3:5; Isaiah 40:28-31

The first couple of days I would have chosen to process alone, cry, and sleep through the days, but thankfully my amazing husband wouldn't let me.  He made me get out of the house even if it was only to return our un-needed baby items and to take a family trip to Costco for fun where my adorable son, Isaiah, loved on the huge Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, but didn't want to cooperate for a picture.

We are not 100% healed (and may never be) and we have lots of questions (that we may not get answered for years or ever), but we still know we want a baby (sibling for Isaiah) in our house so we move forward.

Jesus Calling-September 10

I AM ALWAYS AVAILABLE TO YOU. Once you have trusted Me as your Savior, I never distance Myself from you.  Sometimes you may feel distant from Me.  Recognize that as feeling; do not confuse it with reality.  The Bible is full of My promises to be with you always.  As I assured Jacob, when he was journeying away from home into unknown places, I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go.  My last recorded promise to My followers was: Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. Let these assurances of My continual Presence fill you with Joy and Peace.  No matter what you may lose in life, you can never lose your relationship with Me.

Isaiah 54:10; Genesis 28:15; Matthew 28:20